Good Times with Weapons

"Hmm. Nice submarine."

Joachim is unique in Shadow Hearts: Covenant in that you don't find his weapons in treasure chests, and you don't get his latest weapon from a shop, either. Rather, Joachim prefers to fight with stuff he finds lying around in the places they travel. And to glamorize the fact that he's basically fighting with either useless junk or stolen property, Joachim often fabricates extravagant background stories for his finds. And that's what this page is all about. What are Joachim's weapons, where did he get them, and what do they mean to him?

Timber In-game description: "Five people had a hard time lifting this huge piece of timber. It would take unimaginable strength to wield it as a weapon." The Timber is Joachim's default weapon; he has it when the group meets him in Le Havre. A perfect introduction to his preferred combative style: pick up something heavy and blunt and whack guys with it.

Locker In-game description: "A locker unlucky enough to have been placed in the men's rather than the women's locker room at the wrestling ring." Joachim finds the Locker in the Port of Southampton, near the wrestling ring of his mentor, the Great Gama. The Locker marks Yuri's introduction to Joachim's strange habit of picking up random objects and using them as weapons, and Yuri's incredulity each time Joachim does it.

Red Mailbox In-game description: "A mailbox filled with letters between men on the battlefield and the loved ones they left behind. A hit with this much emotion hurts worse than any sword." The Red Mailbox is actually Roger Bacon's mailbox--Joachim finds it outside Roger's home in Wales. Joachim doesn't share Yuri's trepidation about stealing government property, obviously. (Strange thing about this item: the Red Mailbox is only there for Joachim to find the second time the party visits Wales. Who dropped a random mailbox at Roger's house?)

Earthen Pipe In-game description: "An old, discarded sewer pipe. Once used for sewage, then a shelter for cats from the rain and elements. Now begins its new life as a bludgeon." This cracked green hunk of clay pipe is found in one of the chambers in the prison on St. Maguerite Island. The item's description cites the story about cats hiding in it to get out of the rain, but Yuri is convinced Joachim is making this up to make the pipe sound more special.

Frozen Tuna In-game description: "A tuna that suffered from an incurable disease and swam into a suspended-animation device to await the day it could be cured..." This frozen tuna is, completely improbably, stuck tail-up in a snow drift next to the Winter Palace in Petrograd. When the biggest question about it is how the heck it got there, Joachim's explanation that it must have swum upstream to get there seems a tad inadequate.

Giant Pillar In-game description: "A structural beam from a destroyed Japanese house. The various nicks and dents in the red paint are reminders of gentler days." The Giant Pillar is Joachim's first find in Japan, in the warehouse district of Yokohama. Naturally, when he sees all the damage and dents to it, he goes way over the top and opines for the day when this beam held up a fine Japanese home, and recalls how the nicks in the paint were made by the children who lived there, recording how tall they were every year. And also naturally, everyone ignores this ridiculous story.

Emcee's Desk In-game description: "The 19th century wrestling sensation, Bill Yamagata, took out eight sumo wrestlers with this desk. Sturdy and flat--just like a bludgeon should be." The second weapon Joachim finds near the domain of the Great Gama, this table is behind Gama's wrestling ring in Nihon-bashi. This is my personal favorite of Joachim's weapons, as there is a special significance for all pro wrestling fans to see Joachim fighting evil with that legendary WWF weapon, the announcer's table.

Clay Idol In-game description: "Made by the followers of an ancient leader. Found in his tomb. Its sincerity and majesty remain evident to this very day." Joachim discovers this treasure in Kurando's home, Inugami Village. Kurando, who Yuri failed to warn about Joachim's odd penchant for stealing large, blunt objects, is furious that Joachim is removing this ancient artifact of his people from its rightful place, but Joachim is sufficiently attached to it that he doesn't really care what Kurando thinks.

Dark Tower In-game description: "A building passed down in the vampire family, just as the Demon Sword [Tyrving] was. The little people inside work day and night and cause a huge ruckus." As the description says, the Dark Tower is another relic of the Valentine family. To get it, Joachim travels back to Le Havre, where the children who found him have now found another injured, washed-up bat. This is the Peach Bat, and Joachim's younger sister (real name not given). She chastises Joachim for being away from home for so long, and challenges him to a fight. If he manages to beat her, she hands over the Dark Tower, which is indeed full of tiny, chattering people.

Nautilus In-game description: "A timeless vessel that continues [its] journey through the sea of the stars. A gentleman's agreement prevents its powerful weapons from being used." Yes, Joachim's ultimate weapon is a miniature version of the famous submarine, the Nautilus, and it too is full of tiny people. The party finds it as part of the Fort of Regrets sidequest, in which they're asked to save the world from a powerful doomsday device. The weapon turns out to be the Nautilus, which they find washed up on the beach in Cannes. They soon realize that it is capable of world destruction, but Joachim insists that he gave a stern talking-to to the people inside it, and that they promise not to blow up the world. And voilà. Joachim's best weapon.